Paper Boats
by CamelotFlag
Summary: A happy, 26 year-old Merlin re-visits a less happy time of his life; depression at the age of 17. Prepare for a story full of darkness, sprinkled with a few happy moments and, ultimately, the meeting of the boy who will change everything for him; Arthur Pendragon. College AU. There will be arguments, mixed signals, hurt and love.TRIGGER WARNING-SOME SELF HARM AND SUICIDAL PASSAGES!
1. Welcome to the Past

Non Prompt College AU ff-Merthur-Slash Undecided-Rating Undecided.

**Paper Boats**

**Chapter One.**

_12-09-12_

"_Cutting; also known as total euphoria. Relaxing. Controlled. The only thing I feel like I do truly control. It's a very disturbing paradise. Frightening, yet I'm consumed by such happiness when I look at my blades, taken from their secret place, ready to use them. Razors speak to me and they have extremely sharp tongues. I stare for a while, a weak smile on my tired face. Then I slash._

_Lacerate._

_Slice._

_Is it scary that it doesn't even hurt any more? Constantly, I feel like I have to cut deeper and deeper to get the same euphoric feeling. Constantly, I bleed for longer. Use more toilet paper to clean myself up. Dab more disinfectant. Perhaps you think I'm a freak; maybe I am one. I'm not sure._

_My suicidal thoughts hound me. They occur whenever nothing I can override them with is in my head. My breaths increase in rate as I think of jumping from high places, hanging myself, overdosing, slitting my wrists, anything. Have you ever looked at cars as they passed you and thought 'I wonder how injured I would be if I jumped in front of it'?_

_Depression is a disease of the mind. It tears you apart from the inside until you tear yourself apart from the outside. _

_I am Merlin Emrys, and this is my life."_

14-10-21

I stared at the paper in my hands. Found from when I was 17. I was unhappy then, intensely unhappy. Not any more, though. Sure, I have my off days but I'm no longer taking anti-depressants and now building my career as a photographer. I know that I owe my life to my brilliant partner, I wouldn't be here without him. I roll over in our double bed and reach for his hand. He grasps me back in his sleep and I see a faint smile on his lips. I giggle as he snorts a little, rolling over. Reaching out to stroke his blond fringe with my index finger I think about how blissful life is now compared to how it used to be. If you'll listen, I'll tell you about how I met my king, and how we fell in love.


	2. Chapter 2-Moving On

**Okay so thanks if you read the introduction, I really appreciate it! Oh lordy, I realise how truly terrible this is, and I apologise-no really I do! I'm just snowed under with school work and had to throw this together in ten minutes-I'm so sorry. But at least we get a first meeting, hey? _**

13-09-12

"MERLINNNNNN" My mum shouted, she was becoming impatient. I sighed, and shouted a reply; "Coming mum!"

Shrugging my school bag onto my shoulder I looked at myself in my new uniform in the mirror. Deep red blazer atop a wool fitted jumper of the same colour. Beneath that was a white shirt with a deep red and gold striped tie. To finish, the trousers were black and of a decent cut, which was strange for a uniform-although I wasn't going to complain! It was all very grand. _Too grand for you, useless bastard. _I thought as I stared at my sallow skin, tired eyes and limp hair. It wouldn't work for me that morning; sticking up all over the place when I tried to style it. Oh well, there was nothing I could do. It was time for my first day at a new school. Camelot high, to be exact. Why did I change schools? I hear you ask.

To begin, one of my main triggers for self harm was being around the people who bullied me to (please excuse my language) fuck. Absolute fuckery. Every day, they made my life hell. I don't want to talk about it, I'm not sure if I trust you not to laugh.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRLLLL LLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNN" Mother shouted. I really needed to get moving.

Huge golden gates towered above me as I walked through them, into my new school. My heart skipped a beat and as I looked up and saw a golden halo of hair and deep blue eyes also towering above me. The boy's face had a strong jawline and his cheekbones were well cut and his nose was big, but it suited him. _Holy shit, _I thought.

"Pendragon, Arthur Pendragon, head boy", he smiled at me.

"M-m-merlin", I stuttered.


	3. I'm Sorry

Hey guys... I'm sorry I haven't updated this story, I guess I should tell you why.

About a month ago, I took about half of my intended overdose. I won't tell you what made me stop but I can tell you it was worth stopping for. I suppose writing this story triggers me too much. Trust me, I've tried and I just can't. I'm very sorry.

Thank you.


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